Latest FOBL News
Whores report to Spring Training. I've run out of prostitution euphemisms
Hollywood is anticipating this season more than any other in recent memory. A huge offseason trade with Durham, along with convincing one of FOBL's best players of the last decade to relocate to Melrose Avenue has stirred the dormant seeds of hope buried in the fallow fields of recent Whore history.
It's rare for a last-place team to have almost all their roster spots locked up for the following season, but Chief Whore Shaw is confident that he has a winning combination dialed in for this year. Let's take a look at what was lost and what was gained this offseason.
2048: Gus Myers and midseason acquisition Miguel Angel Sanchez combined for 2.2 WAR, although Myers was at -0.9 and Sanchez at 3.1 WAR in his 83 games with HOL. Myers went to DUR in the fuckin' A trade and Sanchez went back to WIS in free agency.
2049: Top 100 prospect Doug Noah and returning defensive specialist Diego Ortiz will man the dish this season. Thanks to a stronger supporting cast, neither will be asked to light the world on fire. A modest improvement on replacement-level value should be considered a success. Should Noah stumble out of the gate, overpaid devpocalypse victim Cisco Linares may have to step in, unless he leaves town in a cap-clearing move.
Verdict: In retrospect, we wish we had ponied up the $4-5M it would have taken to keep Sanchez and stayed away from Linares. Sanchez is a top-5 FOBL catcher, so we expect to see a performance decline as we move from him to a ...read more.
2049 Free Agents
My favorite time of the season. Here are your best available Free Agents this year. Quick non-polished, Anti-grammar version. EDITED for all FAs per the QO list.
1. Miguel Angel Sanchez, R. Good bat. better split against lefties than righties but still good against righties. Above average glove but not a gold glover. Down year last year but a career .391 OBP and .508 slugging.
2. Felipe Medina, Bats R. Good all around bat. Splits against RHP are decent. Not a great glove but will get you 25 home runs and at least 60 walks. Career OBP of .339 seems a little low to me. I would think it would be higher, at least in the .350 range. Might be a liability behind the dish.
3. Jayson Veeck, Bats L. Left Handed Bat at Catcher equals a plus. He's decent behind the plate but not spectacular. Averages over 20 HRs a season. OBP is higher than Medina's if you can believe it (.348 career), probably because he's a lefty. Will get you some walks too.
4. Zach Kinney, Bats R. Right handed bat. Decent defensively. Above Average offensively. May not be the best catcher but will be below everyone's radar. .344 career OBP is decent. Doesn't strike out much.
5. Diego Ortiz, Bats R. Another right handed bat. Probably the best defensive catcher in FA. Decent but not great bat. Was a platoon catcher last year at HOL but can fill the role of an everyday guy.
1. Doug 'Boomer' Davis, Bats L. ZOMFGRUSERIOUS Brad 'Phucking' Phillips is not on the top of this list? Yep THAT's RIGHT. Boomer is a DH but he's younger, has a better OBP, strikes out less, and he isn't coppaging. For me you put Boomer and Phillips in the same spot in the lineup, you won't get as many home runs and maybe not even as many RBI with Boomer, but he'll keeps innings going. He won't be the strike out king like Phillips. He will also cost less than Phillips so his value is even greater. Th...read more.
2048 Free Agents
It's that time again. This year's FA class is loaded with Starters. Need to load up your rotation? You could get them all for the right money.
1. Gene 'Shrimp' McClendon. RHP. Get ready to break out your wads of cash because this guy is looking for it. Shrimp has a career record of 111-20 and an ERA of 2.42. He's got a K to BB ratio of 5.2 and a WHIP of .98. If there is anyone to try and drop 20 mil on it's this guy. Projected salary before discounts: $21 mil.
2. Artie Payne. RHP. Artie could be an Ace on anyone's staff with exception to MBJ and NRW. He has a career ERA of 2.40 and a 0.93 WHIP. He has been UTI's most stable starter for the last 5 years but for some reason he has never broken the 20 win barrier. This is not to say he won't but it's probably the reason why he won't get as many offers as Shrimp. Projected: $18 mil.
3. Deron 'Digger' Morrison. RHP. Digger is another guy that could be any teams Ace (see above). 0.99 WHIP over his career is ridiculous. Racked up 23 wins last year and was in the running for the VL's Platinum Pitcher award. Projected: $18 mil.
4. Manny 'Bonkers' Galvan. RHP. Bonkers has taken a few steps back since 2044 when he started 49 games and won 23. He's been steady but he's not an absolute Ace. That said (Buddy?), with the right lineup/defense behind him 20 wins is possible. Projected: $16 mil.
5. Len West. RHP. It's hard to believe that West is 5th on this list. Actually he is probably as good as Bonkers as their numbers are similar. Only knock on West is his ERA and WHIP is higher than Bonkers. Projected: $14 mil.
NOTE: I can't believe how many starters there are. If these guys are all out of your price range, just look at the following:
Manny Gallar...read more.
Prized Whore Set to Lose His Virginity Twice in One Night
Pat "Rat" O'Donnell, picked first overall in last year's Amateur Draft by Hollywood, got the call he's waited for his whole life.
"I've been a huge fan of Whores ever since I was 12," O'Donnell said during a phone interview with members of the press, "The Hollywood franchise not so much."
After the awkward silence dissipated, O'Donnell expressed his complete lack of surprise at being named Hollywood's #1 starter the day he arrived at the clubhouse, meaning he will start 2 games in tonight's Sim. "I don't know who's putting this team together, but they must be a fucking nimrod. Have you seen their pitching staff? Christ, if they didn't make me the #1 guy, I'd refuse to report."
Chief Whore Shaw ended the phone conference shortly afterwards.
In other news, fellow first rounder Joey Cecil was also called up this sim and will be closing games, assuming Hollywood ever leads again....read more.
2047 Mock Draft
1. Hollywood Media Whores - SP Pat O'Donnell (Actual Pick: SP Pat O'Donnell)
One of the most obvious picks in the history of the FOBL draft. HOL is desperate for a #1 SP, having expended the vast majority of their prior years' picks on hitters (now deceased). O'Donnell is 22, durable, extraordinarily loyal, smart, and a hard worker. He's no Happy Rivera, but he's good enough, and assuming he survives (HAHAHAHAHAHA), he'll be on the hill Opening Day 2048 for HOL as they exit the tank.
2. Minnesota Windchill - SP Ian Kerns (Actual Pick: OF T.J. "Bomb" Crater)
MIN is sitting at the 2nd overall pick wishing they had undertaken a classic TauterTank circa fake 2017. They have a complete organizational vacuum at SP, but the obvious remaining SP prospects all have flaws. SP Ian Kerns is 18 and has borderline 3rd and 4th pitches. SP Brendan Corrick is also 18 and has the stamina of an asthmatic hamster. SP Ed Schwartz is 20 (and very close to 21), but has my work ethic and is obviously inferior to Kerns. This is a tough call, but Tauter will roll the dice with the teenager and hope his talents win out.
3. Des Moines Delinquents - OF T.J. "Bomb" Crater (Actual Pick: SS Dave Long)
DES has enough SP prospects that they can bypass Corrick and Schwartz without too much agita. The 3rd-best minor league system is noticeably lacking in power, making OF T.J. "Bo...read more.